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Mar 7, 2011

AssTrollogy - A horoscope for allalls of you

Tuhd pretty sure it called dat cuz you pull it out your ass...

AssTrollogical Horoscope for whatever month it happens to be ~

Aries (The Asshole)
Put on cleanest wife-beater and whippin belt, and go terrorize mall kiosks.  When trying on dat new pair of camo pants, ask anyone passing by if it 'makes their ass look fat', and laugh at confused look on their faces.  Haggle with used car salesman over what color you want them to deliver dat previously owned truck and punch a midget.

Taurus (The Bullshitter)
You gonna drive your shop truck to bar to meet women tonight because your Ferarri is in shop.   Naturallies, until your commodities trading assets is unfrozen you haves to put the drinks on your tab.  Don't take anyone home with you because your mansion being fumigateds.

Gemini (The Twin Terrors)
Fortune smiles upon you, nettings you millions in profits.  Unfortunately, it in Vietnamese đồng currency, and rent still due.  Have mac-and-cheese dinner with yourself, and yourself, because you is your favorite person.  Coffee is always better fresh brewed.  Firecrackers don't really crack fire, or make fire.

Cancer (The Crab)
Smash things with a rock, then hose down passing school-kids.  The [like] button are not replacement for personal interaction, so try to say something meaningful to those people you forgot how yous met.  Stay away from rest of the internet, because nobody cares abouts your opinions.

Leo (The Furry)
The world is your oyster, because you put it on credit.  Stop punching old peoples and pull your pants up.  Love will find you today and demand her child support.  Best to not even get out of bed today and order pizza.  If you do go out, you will have strange preoccupations with tall buildings.

Virgo (The Nerdy Guy with Poor Social Skills)
Discoveries abound todays.   Mac and cheese becomes delicacy when baked slightly crispy.  There is other beers than ones you find on TV.  Chocolate milk are great at any age.  Your parent's basement are horrible place to bring date.  You and Netflix continue to build upon partnership, coming to greater understanding of each others needs.

Libra (The Accountant)
Food budget consisting of ramen and vitamins sound great on paper, but just because both on sale today don't mean you buy $300 of each 'for the year.'  Being a stingy fuck won't get you any closer to your dreams, unless you dreams of used couches what smell of college frat parties, and 10-year-old craigslist TVs that is always out of focus.  Invest in a personality and some clothes that aren't tagged by Salvation Army.

Scorpio (The UV-reactive Insect)
Watch out for giant feet today.

Sagittarius (The Mutant)
Dig through freezer and find something tasty.  Possibly bacon or hot wings, or that fruitcake from 2003.  Raid your neighbor's secret coffee can they hide in back yard and buy new sexy shorts and a copy of Rainman on DVD.  It will be your best day ever.  Not that it saying much.

Capricorn (The Sea Goat)
Being that your sign is water goat, you probably eat a boot you fished out of the river, followed by some tin cans.  Don't forget commercial acting interview later this week.  You won't get job initially, but few calls made by your creepy internet stalker will change things in your favor.  Leave your shades open as sign of appreciation.

Aquarius (The Fishtank)
Today is a good day to clean up your life.  Start with the cat poop behind the couch you've been ignoring for the last year.  If it came out of the dryer, it's clean.  Be water conscious and save time by wearing your clothes in the shower while you wash, or better yet, water your lawn and take your shower at the same time.  Your neighbors will appreciate the newer, greener you.

Pisces (One Fish, Two Fish)
Dig the self-help books out of the attic and sell them at a used bookstore.  They didn't help then, but they'll certainly help you make bail for your delinquent son-in-law who "has potential if he'd only apply himself".  Sure, he'd probably do good to learn this lesson on his own, but you're powerless against your daughter's puppy-dog-eyes.  Sorry sap.  Don't forget to pick up beer.  You'll need it with the way your day is about to go.

1 comment:

  1. There's a Jewish expression: 'everybody needs a little mazel'

    Basically everybody needs a little bit of luck. The message is that we are not to live our lives by the horoscope, but a favorable horoscope doesn't hurt anyone :-)

    I will take prayer and good deeds over a horoscope any day.

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