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Latest Troll Rants

Aug 30, 2010

How to be a Troll: Talks to your Socks

Yes, Tuhd gonna talk abouts the sock-puppetry.  Probably cause Tuhd washed socks today.  Whut, Tuhd really does laundry some weeks.  Don't you be acting all surprised.  Socks is very useful.

Likes always, you no do this.  Standard disclaimers and stuffs here.  Don't you be a tards.  Trolls uses wits and patience, not retardo tactics likes this.

But Tuhd, I thought you were showings us how to be trolls?  Isn't this how to be a troll?

Shut up and no, it not.  Tuhd trying to show all things that peoples call trolls, that is really just tards.  Tuhd educatings both sides.

Sock Talk

So, if you is hardcore internet tard and must make scene, this are how it would be done.

First, gets you two accounts on some forum.  Makes sure you use dem both for a while so you isn't obviously some noobtard.  Try to establish some voice wif both so that they is not obviously same person.  It not as hard as it sound.  Use one while at work and other while at home (that also establish different IP addresses).  Yes Tuhd have been moderator and know these things.  Also your mood at work are usually different from dat at home.

Maybe you wants one of you to be conservative, and one middle of road.  Or one 'level headed' and one a total douche.  Whichever you feels works best.  But, before you even starts, you gots to have clue what you gonna be arguings about a couple months down line afters you establish youself.  And you has to be a really, really good liars, which are a skill Tuhd not yet master.  Tuhd are more of volume liar.  Quantities over qualities.  Like dollar menu.

Lets use example of which pizza are best, since it not bring up things Tuhd not care about, like politics, religion, or sports.

the setups:

Captain Dingus (you): I likes pizza with pepperoni and artichoke hearts.  All other pizza are fail in comparisons.
Random Pizza lover 1Your pizza are fail.  Veggies is dumb and stupid.  here are 14 reasons why.
Socko (that's you, but pretending to be not really you): I agrees with The Captain.  Artichokes is awesome on pizza.
Captain Dingus: Two against one, loser.  You sucks and fails.

or some dumb crap like that.  Tuhd never bothered to actually do sock-puppetry, because it takes too much time and usually can get traced back to you.  Tuhd know this probably not funniest post yet, but... it get point across.

Lets us face it.  Only schizophrenics and schizophrenic hobos should be talkings to themselves.


Best pizza Tuhd ever made was made in this order from bottom to top:

thin crust
butter, garlic, oregano and basil for sauce (all way to edge, so crust is good)
touch of marinara also for sauce but not to edge (trust Tuhd on this one)
topped with mozarella cheese (not too much, go light on this or it drown out other flavors)
thin sliced blackened chicken
light sprinkling of ground sausage for flavor (too much and it drips oil like your uncles car)
lots of fresh julienned basil
a sprinkling of cilantro (optional, to taste)
more diced garlic
diced tomatoes
mild or aged chevre cheese depending on your taste (don't look that up, just put it on there)
diced white onions (red are too strong flavor)
diced green onions (different bite than reds or white)
and topped with freshly shredded parmesan cheese (also sprinkle on crust).

when making this pizza, it all about balance.  don't put too much stuff on it, or it become too heavy or drippy.

bake it all in freshly-cleaned wood-fired oven.  Tuhd used applewood for his fire, about 410-430 degrees is perfect.

Failing having applewood, use a gas oven, cook the crust to where you wants it (crispy, but not burnt), then broil pizza on high (middle rack of oven) to crisp the top for about a minute (pay attention or you fucks it up). 

Ranch dressings is good to dip pizza in, but not necessary.  It great by self.  Don't use shitty bottled ranch if you do.

Aug 9, 2010

Troll-Tools: Google, The Search

Tuhd always wanted a tool show on cable, but nobodies was willing to give Tuhd lots of free tools to use and show off, so Tuhd do this instead and talk about tools thats is free for everyones.

Everyone love google. Also bacon, but Tuhd talking about google.

But Tuhd, why should I care about google?

Because you is dumb and don't know how useful it are.

But it just search engine, right?

Stop talking stupid things and let Tuhd talk at you now.



Wait, no.  Booleans.  Dat's what Tuhd meant.

DAMMIT!  Wait, what is those? Low calorie baloneys?

They is simple search modifiers that make searching waaaay more smarters and efficients.  Some of yous just type in whatever lameness pops in your head and hope for the best.  If what you searching for is popular crap, or not use words that other popular things use, then you be okay.  But, what if what you want are more obscure?

Lets say you looking for a song you heard back in the late 90's but forgot name of band, and only know title of it.  You can search by song title.  If song is Smash the Lion King, you go search for that song by just typing it into googles.  What does you get?  Probably lots of references to some broadway show.  That not a song though.  Tuhd think there was songs in it.  Probablies.

So, turn it into solid brick of phrase.  Adds you some "" to tell googles to search for whole thing in one brick of text.

You search should looks like "Smash the Lion King".  Now, all your searches come back if whole phrase, together, gets returned to yous.  But it's still not specific enough.  Too many results still talk about stupid play.

Adds you a -broadway to your terms.  now it look like "smash the lion king" -broadway

Getting better, down to about 200 resultys.  Anything else you can remembers about song?  If you know name of band, you can adds that.  You could just add whatever you needed and probably get to it.  But, if you want to make sure google not second guess you (because it big smart computer and you tard listening to a troll on the internet), then you need to use da + modify.  Google loooove to second guess you, and even override spelling if it think you looking for wrong thing.  + modify thingy help fix that.  Phrase brick trick also fix that.

Since you probably not remember song, Tuhd help you.  Tuhd heard it on and downloaded it.  So adds you a to your string to get "smash the lion king" -broadway

Dids you get it down to less than one page of search results?  Does you see dat it probably Harvesters of Death?  Hope so.  Did you also click link and find out how awful da music are, and that the song you looking for not even there?

Well, dat happen sometime.  Internet may be big and have everything, but sometimes things get deleted.  At least now you knows, and much faster than before.  As reward, Tuhd give you this:  Have you a free song.  You won't find it nowhere else.  It pretty awful.  And funny.

Now... Imagine having dis power to use on know-it-all tards who think they smart but talking out butts. Yes, you has more power now. Obscure knowledges and stuffs is all at your stubby troll fingertips.

Free song hosted, and properly labeled with band name, as matter of archival purpose, as it exist nowhere else searchable on internet.

Aug 3, 2010

Troll Rants: Internet Browser Wars - WTF happened?

Tuhd back again with a brand new rant.  You can thank Safari for dis one.

Why is that Tuhd?

Because Safari (on PC) sucks so hard.  I hates it.  It just one more frustrationary thing added to Tuhd's otherwise awesome day.  Firefox and IE was bad enough alreadys, but nooooo.  Some dingus had to market yet another broke OS and make it just popular enoughs that Tuhd have to program exceptions for dat crap too.

Sadly, Tuhd can't even write for the one standard complianty browser out there and expect it to mostly work in other three, because even though Chrome actually meets all standards compliancies, the unwrittens are what kills you.  So this means that now Tuhd has to program EVERY FRIGGIN STUPID CSS RULE or risk IE and Firefox batting sidebar headers out of park in different directions, or adding extra thick paddings and unnecessary margins to things that Tuhd want to be best buddies.

IE has gotten bad wrap for long time.  Tuhd get why.  Partly cause it from microsoft.  That a rant for another day.  Partly cause it been around for so damn long.  It easy to program for if you programs only for it, or do ultra-simple sites, since most people tend to use IE by default since it loads fast (as it is integrated into the OS, essentially). But if you want to look at it in any other browser, it gonna look like a turd salad.  And that not right.  Tuhd should be able to program for one and it work for all.

Oh... all you snobtacular firefox fanboys can kiss Tuhd's ass too, because your browser sucks just as much, even with your amazing addons.  The addons no fix stupid.  It still have all them "we like it this way which breaks stuff in IE if you program for us" undefined rule thingies in it.  And, even your's isn't being 100% standards compliant, so shoosh.  "Oh, our car meets 90% of the safety regulations, while our competitor only meets 84%."  Neither of those are 100%.

Tuhd try to push boundaries in web designs wherever he can, at least without copying other awesome peoples blatantly.  Tuhd know there are lots of great programmers out there, and Tuhd is by far not best web-maker-troll around, but, Tuhd not some fresh-out-of-communities-college cocky douche-wad either.  Tuhd just been doing it a long time, seen many changes.  And now, Tuhd tired of all this browser-wars high-school bullshit.  It have gotten very old.

What ever happeneds to them standard protocols and "standards compliant browsing" crap that been being talked about for last 15 years?  Does nobody actually take dat seriously?  Does every browser programmers think "oh, I must know better because I went to community college and learned dis" or some craps like dat?  WTF is so hard about making a blanket of rules for all the hidden bullshits?  What so hard about "lets all have the undefined padding be 5 friggin pixels.  Or better yets, DON'T FUCKING DEFINE IT IN HIDDEN RULES!  If Tuhd could take all the unwrittens, the "if undefineds", and remove thems from every browser, Tuhd would be a very happy troll.  It would be easy.  "If undefined = 0".  It would mean that if I needed a value other than zero, Tuhd would define it.  Otherwise, um... what is it like?  Tuhd have to think on analogy here.

Uh... hmmm.

Okay, Tuhd have analogy.  Lets us say Dave are a wood sculptor (not important which kind, maybe them chainsaw ones which make bears out of huge logs).  Dave has a great big log (that's what she said) which he got from Steve, and carves it into a great looking bear.  But Dave didn't need to carve every single inch of the log.  Some of it he went with the natural curve of the wood (shut up trolls, Tuhd is giving example here).  But some of the wood wasnt touched (seriously, shut up).  Steve, who gave his wood to Dave (I hate you trolls), is also our resident programmer of "if undefined". He comes along and puts horns and warts in those uncarved, undefined spots.  So now Dave has ugly troll-bear.  If Dave like troll-bears, then that be okay, but what if Dave just wanteds normal bear?  Now Dave have to go over and remove the things which Steve put there without Dave's knowledge.  That are not cool at all.

And get your damn mind out of the gutters!