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Latest Troll Rants

May 10, 2010

How to spot a troll

Lets us faces it.  You all gets tired of trolls making you look stupids on internet.  Tuhd get tired of all you tards being stupid on internet.  So we is locked in endless battle.  Like beer vs Budweiser.  Some of us like stuff that takes time to craft properly, with experience and research behind it (trolls, and good beer) and some of us like easy, feel-good, budget, off-the-shelf instant gratification (Budweiser, and you).

So why does Tuhd care?  Oh, wait, Tuhd doesn't.  You are retarded, and should be beat with 4 pounds of frozen, seasoned pig.  But, as Tuhd is saving bacon for better things, Tuhd will explains and extrampolate on dis idea.

Trolls, at least good ones, is being here to remind you dat you can be better than you is.  Laziness is option, but not best one.  First, obvious trap you tards fall in is the "Veteran who asks a newbie question to bring the other newbies out of the woodwork" game.  If you see anyone asking easy, newbie-type questions, you should follow dis procedures:

Stop:  Because if you react without thinking like you always does, you have good chance of being obvious tard.

Look:  At the date user created account on forum.  If it is longer dan one month ago, best to let someone else answer easy question.  *If you happen to be in one of dem Massive Multiplayers Online thingies dat has a player checker (whatever you call it, Sony's online system call it 'Station Players', which sounds like bunch of single wannabe pimps who hang out at train depot because they can't admit they live in mother's basement), then you should check dat to see how long dey been playing.  Researchings is always better than looking like the oblivious idiot you may be.

Listen:  To Tuhd when he say it best to not answer dem, even if they is new.  If other noobtard can't use google, they are lazy.  And if you open gates to one answer, you become their bitch.  Their Answer Bitch.  And you no wanna be some n00b's bitch.

"But," you asks, "what about bad trolls?"

Tuhd say, if you can't spot dem rampagings a mile and a halfs away, you have more problems than you deserves.  Poor bastard.

Tuhd gonna go drink some booze and play games.  Be jealous!

May 4, 2010

Trolls, Tards, Flaggots and Witch-hunters

Tuhd apologize for long title.  But it sum up things all good, like youtube keywords.  This rant are about people Tuhd meets on internet.  All are part of cycle of life on net, but not all are necessary, even if they is entertaining.

Trolls:  Tuhd like dis category, but sadly it not properly used around net.  There will be longer description one day, but dis short one suffices for now.  Troll are two peoples.  Those who troll, and those who are are a troll.  Trolling in today terms is not like trolling of back in the day.  Trolling once used to be very important tool for identifying new peoples on forums.  Long term member asks question that is most often asked by newbies ("How long would it take to download the internet with my 100Mbps router?"), and waits for all other newbies to rush to answer question like flies to elephant crap.  Newbies like doing this because they feel they gain standing or statuses on board for being helpful.  Truthfullies they just mark themselves as newbies or retards.

Other form, beings a troll, has long since become lost art.  Good troll wait under bridge for food, not rampage through countryside scaring off tasties.  You know who you are (Hi, Tom).  If you use word like faggot or asshole or whatever in your opening statement, you are horribly bad troll (and not like 80's bad, like spoiled milk bad).  If you have to use more than one hand to count number of forums you has been banned from, you fail at being troll.  And dat not worth being proud of.  It makes you a...

Tard:  These is loud annoying people on internet who think that everyone should be listenings to whatever bullshits they spew from piehole.  Tuhd been there.  It not really work out so well.  Many of Tardfolk tend to have some kinds of status at their jobs (Management, Trainer, IT, Supervisor, Steve Jobs, Head Clerk, whatevers).  It are called "little man" syndrome (not to be confused with being a dwarf).  Just because you is one or two rungs up ladder over the watercooler does not make you expert on internet about anything, especially if you begin statements with "And you know (instert statement that honestly not everyone knows or believes to be true, ex: 'And you know the government is sponsoring KFC and their genetically modified headless chickens because they believe in profit and chemical warfare and animal cruelty.')".  Shut up, get over yourself, because nobody is listening, and the louder you yells and flail your arms across your chest the less we gonna take you seriously.  It not work for Tom Cruise, and it not work for you.

Flaggots:  These is primarily youtube specificlies, and be people who intentionally flags commonly acceptabled content as inappropriates (and no, just because kittens wear no clothes does not mean it contain nudity).  There is other term many of yous will know this as.  Griefing.  Deliberatly causing frustration and shit to people who did nothing to deserves it.  Or at least not to deserves it from tards like you.  Normally these begins as a few idiots working indepentently and then everyone copies, but Tuhd heard tell of one or two instances of certain message boards doing entire waves of flagging on youtube channels just for laughs (teh lolz).  It's even lower form of griefing than DNS attack, and makes you retarded.

Witch-Hunters:  They has potentials to be more destructive than all three above listed.  These peoples be looking for ANYONE to blame for recent activities, and will blame them loudly and with only the palest circumstantial evidences to "makes their case".  Tuhd have seen it.  "OMG I saw so and so made a response video to your latest one and they didnt like part of it so I KNOW THEY ARE THE ONE ORGANIZING THE FALSE FLAGGINGS OF ALL YOUR VIDEOZ!!!!  COPY/PASTE IF YOU AGREE!!!!"

Now imagines this kind of crap flaring up on the internet, over something important.  "OMG IT WASN'T OJ I SAW A VIDEO OF CHRIS ROCK WHERE HE SAID NICOLE WAS A BITCH< YOU KNOW HE DID IT AND FRAMED OJ!!!11two!!!"  Oh, wait, it have happenned.  We calls it 9/11.  Tuhd not saying it was or wasn't people that have been charged, but stating it like "I SAW THE VIDEO SUM1 ELSE MAID POINTING OUT SELECTIVE BITS OF INFORMATION AND I BELIEVE IT IS TRUE SO THEREFORE YOU WILL BELIEVE ME WHEN I TYPE IN ALL CAPS!!" just makes you retarded.

Goatwhores:  No, this is not about a certain internet site that was popular to blind-link with goat in the name.  Yes, Tuhd know it not in title.  Dis is a combination of two compounded words, scape-goat and media-whores.  These is people who claim (in an internet post under some retarded screen name) that they is responsible for whatever has happened recently.  "look at me, I'm one responsible for all the Microwave Show flaggings!  I organized it!  all me!  I WAS THE TURKEY THE WHOLE TIME!"

You is lower than Perez Hilton when you do dat, and need to be punched in the face repeatedly.  And you are retarded.

/* End of lesson */

Basically, all of you need to shut up now.  You want to feel importants, give homeless person a bath, or learn to troll properlies.  Put some time into it, pick targets, and be willings to wait.  Stop rampaging, you scaring away all of Tuhd's dinners.

-Tuhd